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Naked lunch: @AlexiDuggins eats sushi off a nude woman

Posted at 12:30 pm, March 3, 2013 in Fun London

Editor-at-large Alexi Duggins is at your mercy. You have the power to decide what London experience you’d like him to have. This week: eating sushi off a naked woman…

Okay, okay… Strictly speaking, the women weren’t naked. Well, unless your idea of nudity extends to women who’ve sticky-taped rose petals to their nips and strapped on a nappy made of banana leaves. But by that definition of nudity, ‘The Little Mermaid’ becomes the tale of a slutty fish wench flashing her norks at a singing crustacean. Hardcore prawn.

But Flash Sushi, who run these meals – for up to 16 diners – promise that guests will end up ‘eating sushi off a naked female body’. Why? Dunno. Flash Sushi claim that in Japan, eating sushi off naked women is an ancient ritual. But so is burning people that look like witches. And if we did that now, Camden would look like the set of ‘Backdraft’. Presumably, then, it’s a sexual thing. After all, the website does promise us ‘stunning’ models – and what woman isn’t sexier when trailed by the scent of dead fish?

All of them. As we’re led to the tables, two models lie there jutting like pretty protractors: all ribs and clavicle and gooseflesh thighs. The bare, candle-lit ex-industrial space we’re eating in isn’t the warmest, so there’s a medical pallor to the models’ skin. The whole thing is about as sexy as a surgical procedure.

The food, however, is a ten-course long mouthgasm. The chef’s from Nobu, the ingredients from the same suppliers Nobu Berkeley use, and the small slivers of sea bream and yellowtail they whip up are squidgy little portions of marine ambrosia. Just as well, though: as at £250 a head (including booze), it’s twice the price of dinner at a three-Michelin starred restaurant.

But hey, you don’t get the power trip of using a human as tableware at those. At one point, a leathery David Dickinson-alike threatens to hold the model’s nose so she can’t breathe. She can hear everything, but isn’t allowed to respond. Later, one woman – bafflingly, the crowd’s about 50/50 male/female –makes the model flinch by ripping the petal from her nipple. It’s not cool.

The weirdest thing, though? How quickly you forget that there’s a person on the table. At the start of the evening, I notice every wiggle. But within a couple of hours, I’m casually plucking sushi from her thighs like she’s a buffet cart – and I’m normally a guilt-ridden liberal feminist (although tonight, a plastered one). As for whether the whole thing’s sexist? I can’t make my mind up. Still, by the end of the night, I have reached one conclusion: there’s definitely something fishy about it.

For info, see flash-sushi.com. Read more of Alexi Duggins adventure

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