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Five things that Star Trek did for us

Posted at 6:30 pm, May 15, 2013 in Arts & Entertainment, Fun London

Star Trel Klingon dictionary

1. Invented the sideboob

First, he created the crotch-hugging Starfleet uniform, with built-in temperature control to cope with any planetary – or erotic – microclimate. Then ‘Star Trek’ costume designer William Ware Theiss nailed his legacy with the Theiss Titillation Theory – the concept that an outfit’s sex appeal is directly proportional to the probability it will fall off. Thanks to Theiss’s Theory, skimpily clad alien chicks with sideboob, underboob and overboob-revealing costumes got past the censors and made James Tiberius Kirk and lots of other horny men very hot under their xenylon collars.

2. Screened American TV’s first interracial snog

OK, there was no tongue involved when Captain Kirk snogged Lieutenant Uhura, in ‘Plato’s Stepchildren’ on November 22nd 1968. And he was being mind-controlled by sadistic immortal aliens at the time. And he was her boss, so it was technically workplace harassment. But for ’60s America, the fact that they kissed at all was pretty damn progressive. Thank you ‘Star Trek’ for showing us a better world – whose citizens were too freaked out by aliens with big foreheads or pointy ears to worry about girls and African-Americans in the navy.

3. Made the blind see

Remember that weird visor that the Enterprise’s Chief Engineer wore to cure blindness? You know, the one that was a girl’s hairband with flashing lights? Stop sniggering, because scientists have developed a visor inspired by Star Trek’s hair-cum-eyewear that really does enable the blind to see. A small chip is implanted behind your retina, which picks up broadcasts from the video glasses in front of your eyes. Other Trek-inspired inventions in development include tractor beams and a cloaking device which makes objects invisible by bending light around them. Beam us up right now.

4. Taught the world to say tlhIngan maH!*

The only known point of learning Klingon – created by linguistics PhD Marc Okrand for the release of ‘Star Trek Three: The Search for Spock’ – is that it increases your chances of pulling a hot alien chick with a crazy plastic forehead. Its verbs include stuff like ‘nan’ (to use one’s fourth toe) and have TWENTY-NINE different prefixes. And yet it’s more popular than any other invented language except Esperanto. If this is your first time at a Star Trek conference, the internet reveals that useful phrases include: nuqjatlh? (Huh?) and Hab SoSlI’ Quch! (your mum has a very smooth forehead). Apparently this last one is a powerful insult: don’t say it to your ‘friends’.
* We are Klingons.

5. Put us off space travel for life

Non-intervention with other species – BOOORING. Non alcoholic shipboard drinks – YAWN. The inevitable deaths of low ranking crew members – would YOU sign on as an ensign? The fact all aliens are basically blokes with something funny on their head – WHY BOTHER? Spending all day playing 3D chess – FFS. Is it any wonder kids don’t want to be astronauts anymore? Anyone with any ambition would much rather bunk up in a holosuite and make it with some sort of bespoke sex octopus from the foetid bowels of their own imagination. Anyone.

Read our review of ‘Star Trek Into Darkness‘.

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