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London’s top ten Twitter spats

Posted at 2:15 pm, October 13, 2013 in Fun London
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1. Rizzle Kicks v Wiley
After fresh-faced hip-pop duo Rizzle Kicks joked that one of Wiley’s songs was irritating, the grime grump launched into a typically hilarious tirade, calling the pair a ‘fake Kris Kross’ then ‘muppets and puppets and parrots’ before claiming: ‘I much prefer PJ and Duncan than you two bunch of Siamese Doondus twins…’ Wisely, Ant and Dec decided not to get involved.

2. Wiley v Glastonbury
Him again. Most artists jump at the chance to play Glastonbury. But Wiley was whinging over Twitter as soon as he arrived on site at this year’s festival, with moans ranging from the weather to what he considered his small fee. Within the hour he was tweeting organiser Emily Eavis directly, begging to be taken off the bill. And then, after issuing the immortal line ‘f**k them and their farm’, he upped sticks and left.

3. Sally Bercow v herself
Sally Bercow is the Larry David of Twitter. The wife of Commons speaker John Bercow has been responsible for not one but two highly calamitous and self-humiliating Twitter escapades. The first saw her libel Conservative peer Lord McAlpine over false paedophilia allegations. And in the same month she revealed the name of a kidnapped schoolgirl whose identity was protected by a court order. Curb your tweeting enthusiasm, Sally!

4. Ryan Giggs v Twitter
It says a lot about professional football that Ryan Giggs was once known as ‘the nicest man’ in the game. As well as having an affair with his brother’s wife, the Man Ustar played hanky-panky with ‘Big Brother’ contestant Imogen Thomas – which he tried to hide with a superinjunction. When someone revealed this on Twitter, he took legal action against the site, inadvertently fuelling the rumours. Soon, 75,000 people had tweeted the allegation and Giggs had unwittingly created milestones in both Twitter usage and the British legal system. A spectacular own goal.

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5. Azealia Banks v Lily Allen
You’d expect a spat between Azealia Banks and Lily Allen to be catty. It was. Banks initiated the tweet-tiff by claiming Allen used cocaine and that her husband ‘looks like a thumb’. Allen responded by calling the rapper a ‘one hit wonder’. Everyone lost interest after that, but they’re probably still at it.

6. Lord Sugar v Tulisa
Never one to mince his words, Alan Sugar initiated a Twitter spat with the former N-Dubz singer by questioning her credentials as an ‘X Factor’ judge. Tulisa hit back, describing the famous finger-pointer as ‘an ugly hobbit’ and a ‘miserable old man’. Pretty fine sparring from the scrappy Camden girl, but she still ended up being fired.

7. Lord Sugar v Piers Morgan
The wizened boardroom bruiser of ‘The Apprentice’ has also gone after Chris Evans, Donald Trump and, lately, Piers Morgan. ‘Pathetic grovler’, ‘double barrel tosser’ and ‘disingenuous old growler’ are all names the two have bandied via Twitter. They also bet on who could get the most followers. Morgan won, but both risk losing their status as ‘adults’ if they carry on in this vein.

People Laughing

8. Noel Fielding v Time Out
Remember ‘Noel Fielding’s Luxury Comedy’? It was an acquired taste. Our review, by Time In editor Gabriel Tate, said just that. Unfortunately, the zany comedian took offence and went on a Twitter rampage, calling Tate a ‘meat hanky’. When Tate joined Twitter in July last year, he mentioned Fielding’s comments and received agracious apology from him. It’salmost a shame they patched it up without anyone using the insult ‘mighty douche’.

9. The Wanted v One Direction
What would Oasis v Blur tweets have been like had Twitter been around in the mid-’90s? A darn sight funnier than those exchanged between these two boy bands. The interminable feud between 1D’s Zayn Malik and Max George from The Wanted rarely gets more interesting than jibes about each other’s hair (Malik dubbed shavenheaded, George ‘chlamydia boy’). Someone needs to be sent to the naughty step.

10. 1D fans v GQ
Hell hath no fury like a prepubescent girl scorned. Directioners all over the world tweeted deranged threats against GQ earlier this year after the magazine published a cover story that the fans felt represented their boys unfairly. Vendettas involving bombs, chainsaws and all kinds of mutilation flooded in. Our favourite: ‘I WILL SHOVE THE HARRY DOLL ON YOUR BUMHOLE.’
Compiled by Dan Frost

Read other London top tens.

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