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London: not the crappest town in the UK

Posted at 3:00 pm, October 15, 2013 in Fun London

Last week, ‘Crap Towns Returns’ – a book dedicated to slagging off British towns – declared London the UK’s worst place to live. Clearly mean-spirited nonsense. So we decided to be rude to one of the book’s editors, Sam Jordison, to see how he liked a taste of his own medicine.

What’s so crap about London, then?
‘Firstly people from all around the country blame London for the UK’s problems. Secondly, living there is mentally exhausting. You’ve got to queue for ages to do anything. There’s the hardship of the Northern line. Then there’s the expense…’

Yeah, overly expensive things are crap, aren’t they? By the way, Shit London’s latest book is £3 cheaper than yours. Ergo yours is over-priced, and thus crap.
‘That’s a completely spurious argument. That’s a false analogy.’

Your argument’s well rigorous, though, isn’t it? After all, the 100,000 people surveyed is a whole 0.16% of the British population.
‘That’s statistically significant. More than you’d get for a YouGov poll. But even if it was small, I wouldn’t be worried, as people are expressing honest and very deeply felt opinions.’

I see. I did a survey of 150 Time Out staff’s honest opinions and 100% of them said you were an ‘anus face’.
‘Good. Fine. that’s a valid opinion. I’d be interested to hear their reasons why. Look, that’s not a valid argument at all. I don’t know why you’re drawing these parallels.’

Just seeing how you like meanness.
‘Oh. Well, I’m fine with it. But you have to come from a direction that makes sense. You’re just being silly.’

Your findings, of course, are in no way silly.
‘Now I’m not saying the book isn’t a bit silly in some ways…’

So you admit that your book is nonsense?
‘Well, I’m saying that you have to take it with a pinch of salt.’

I take it with two Pro Plus just to stay awake, mate.
‘Look, I lived in London for a long time and it was a nightmare. It’s awful. It destroys an awful lot of the lives of people who live there.’

Whinge, whinge, whinge. Got anything to say to Londoners who think you’re mistaking your mouth for your bumhole?
‘I’d say read the book and see what you think.’

So what you’d say is ‘Please give me money for my book’.
‘Well, obviously I want people to read the book. I wouldn’t have put it together if I didn’t want readers.’ Alexi Duggins

‘Crap Towns Returns’ is published by Quercus, priced £10 in hardback or ebook.

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