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An alternative Christmas message from Ron Burgundy

Posted at 3:00 pm, December 25, 2013 in Fun London
Will Ferrell Ferrell: © © MMXIII Paramount Pictures Corporation.

‘Allo, London!

At this festive season of the year, I often find myself fondly thinking of your fair country. Thanks to the writings of Charlie Dickens, no city looks better at Christmas than foggy London Town. I’ve been honoured with the opportunity to wish a happy Christmas to you and your Commonwealth, and to provide a fond look back at two thousand and thirteen. And what a year it was, England!

For a start, it saw the passing of one of the great ladies of history (and the woman on which Meryl Streep was based), Margaret Thatcher. Despite the fact that she never had the pleasure to pose in the nude, she remains burned into my memory as the first mature British woman I ever had ‘feelings’ for. Now all schoolboys have left is the radiant and incomparable Dame Judi Dench. That’s a lot of pressure, Ms Dench, but I know you’re up for it. Andy Murray’s victory on the lawns of Wimbledon captivated me (and the world) no end. The very fact that you Brits hadn’t won Wimbledon in [attn: editors of Time Out, please insert the number of years because I frankly have no idea. Thanks, Ron] years is an astounding feat. I couldn’t be prouder of you.

Apparently, ITV has slipped something into the world’s drink. Everywhere I go, it’s ‘Downton Abbey’ this and ‘Downton Abbey’ that. Even I, Ronald Burgundy, have fallen under the spell of the saga of the Crawleys. Don’t even get me started on the death of Matthew and the whole Batesmight- have-actually-killed-a-guy-this-time thing. I can’t take it any more. Even people who haven’t seen it are talking about it. Brick, for example, calls it ‘Harry Potter’. In fact, he calls everything from your country ‘Harry Potter’. Even a cup of tea.

Doctor Who, at 50 years old, has entered the September of his years. It’s only fitting that this Christmas will bring us an older Doctor. I don’t think I’m alone in wishing that Peter Capaldi will bring a hint of Malcolm Tucker to the Doctor. My own doctor swears like a pissed sailor too, so it would be rather comforting. It makes the prostate exam a much more amusing ordeal. Well, that’s it! I’ve had a corking time reminiscing with you, and wish you a very happy, healthy and (hopefully) sexually adventurous 2014. Let me know how that whole policemen-don’t-carry-guns thing works out. It didn’t for us.

You stay classy London, and Happy Christmas!

Check out our review of ‘Anchorman 2: the Legend Continues’ and read our interview with Will Ferrell.

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