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Slow afternoon? Try some tap water (there’s cocaine in it!)

Posted at 2:30 pm, May 14, 2014 in News

Apart from coffee, a nice mug of tea, a jumbo tin of Monster, some squash or a Mars milkshake, nothing refreshes the mind and gets those synapses firing better than a good old glass of water.

But what makes that lovely wet stuff so damn good? Is it the hydrogen? The oxygen? Sure, it could be those. Or it could be the trace levels of Class A narcotics. Yep, that’s right – Britain is now so addicted to cocaine that small amounts of the stuff is starting to turn up in our drinking water.

Scientists from the Drinking Water Inspectorate have said that the amount of benzoylecgonine (the drug’s post metabolised state) in the average glass of British tap water is way below that of a ‘therapeutic dose’. But surely if you drink enough of the stuff you’ll start loudly bragging about how awesome you are and trying to convince everyone to jump in a cab and head to Shoreditch? We’ll start ‘hydrating’ the next time a big deadline’s looming and let you know. David Clack

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