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Time Out’s alternative London Curriculum

Posted at 5:30 pm, July 23, 2014 in Fun London

As of September, London-centric modules are to be taught in the capital’s classrooms. The Boris-backed London Curriculum will help children understand the city through history, art, geography, English and music. Time Out, however, have gone one better. We’ve compiled our own alternative curriculum, comprising the five subjects every Londoner really needs to know about.


Beer Pint GIF

1. Booze
The largest and most crucial unit on the curriculum. Lessons will cover a wide range of topics, including the science of molecular cocktails, the basic mathematics of budget boozing, the hieroglyphs of craft beer chalkboards and the psychology of lying to your mum about the nature of your social life.


walkers - tourist red

2. Tourism
Students will learn useful ways of coping with out-of-towners, including avoidance tactics for pavement hoggers, coach trippers and people from Essex. Elective module: bum-bag mockery.

Love hearts

3. Dating
Lessons towards a successful lovelife, focusing on time management for Tinder dates, quality ‘bantz’ and what exactly constitutes an acceptable level of personal hygiene.

Post-it Confessions, Mum

4. Flat-sharing
This subject area covers ignoring, slagging off and, ultimately, forgiving your flatmates. Set tasks include drawing up (and ignoring) a rota, passive-aggressive notewriting and butter theft. Elective modules: loo roll diplomacy and thin-wall sex.


5. Transport
A tube-focused subject in which, among other key skills, students will be taught to handle the smell of armpits, and spot the difference between the pregnant and the simply overweight. Oral classes will be offered to those wanting to learn how to speak to cabbies in their own language.

Bit of a teacher’s pet? Take a look at these courses you can do in London.

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