Last week, we predicted what some of the cultural highlights of 2015 would be. This week we’re thinking bigger. Here are five of our boldest (or silliest) forecasts for the coming year. One question, though. The fact that they’re so daft: does this mean they won’t happen? Or that they definitely will?
LONDON WILL RUN OUT OF CRAFT BEER
Brace yourselves. We predict that 2015 will be hit by the worst kind of shortage: a booze shortage. Craft beer by definition has to be brewed on a small scale, but Londoners are now drinking the stuff in such large quantities that we’re in danger of using up all the available hops. Beer lovers in the US are already starting to freak out. Over here, Hackney will burn. Or people will angrily tweet about the situation, at least.
UNDERGROUND DRIVERS WILL BECOME COMEDIANS
A noticeboard with a funny thought of the day is almost as integral to tube stations as a saxophonist honking out ‘Baker Street’. Can’t be long until TfL wises up to something else we love: jokey announcements from Underground drivers. In 2015, expect them to lead the train in a whistle-along of the ‘Grange Hill’ theme as the Central line reaches Epping, and drop comic rhymes about being ‘Straight out of West Brompton’ on westbound District line trains. Actually, TfL: please make this happen.
THE META-PETITION WILL BECOME ‘A THING’
The internet’s been an awesome way of galvanising campaigns to save, oppose and fund stuff. But the petition calling for Myleene Klass to be dropped as the face of Littlewoods? Too far. The petition against that petition, though? Kinda funny. Soon, we imagine, someone will arrive at the activist equivalent of a black hole: the online protest against online protests.
WE’LL START BUYING STANDING-ROOM-ONLY FLATS
A cupboard, an attic, a kitchen with a bed in it: you name it, estate agents tried passing it off as a luxury flat in 2014. As the demand for properties gets ever higher, it’s going to get ever harder to find microscopic buildings to squeeze renters into. Which is where London’s collection of phone boxes come in. After all, no one’s using them for calls any more. Plus, thanks to a catchphrase from Mr Spielberg, they come with their own ready-made name: the BT Phone Home.
LONDON WILL BECOME DULL
For far too long, this city has been riddled with brilliant venues and quirkily original places for a good night out. The stupid old Joiner’s Arms in Hackney, for instance, with its bemusing and fun programme of gay nights. Or Madame bloody Jojo’s and its unpredictably exciting roster of alternative entertainment. But what about property developers, eh? Where are they supposed to build anodyne tower blocks? This coming year, expect the capital’s profiteers to throw off the shackles of cultural marginalisation and proudly announce to the world: ‘No! Too long has our city been anti-bland! We’re going to turn Soho into a car park!’