1. The Horny Man Museum
The Horniman Museum contains many priceless curios, but it’s definitely light on libido. So where on earth is London’s tribute to the great shaggers of our age: the Brands and the Hucknalls; the David Mellors and the Angus Deaytons? The Horny Man Museum would chronicle the exploits of our civilisation’s most active members, and ensure that, in the future, we’re reminded of just how randy blokes used to be – making us even more thankful that all of humanity now survives in hermetically sealed isolation pods sponsored by Netflix.
2. The ‘Britain for the British’ Museum
The British Museum’s vast collection of artefacts is a jewel of our capital, sure. But it ain’t got nothing to show for itself when it comes to good, old-fashioned, traditional British values. This new institution would put outdated ideas about British society exactly where they deserve to be – in a museum. Visitors would be able to view some real specimens up close – pub bores, Mail Online commenters and anyone who starts a sentence ‘I’m not racist but…’
3. The Unnatural History Museum
Dinosaurs – boring! Blue whales – meh. But genetically engineer a pterodactyl’s wings on to a giant aquatic mammal’s torso, and you’ve got our attention. The Unnatural History Museum would be for anyone bored of waiting for ‘Jurassic Park’ to actually happen. We’re talking freaky clones, cryptozoological monsters and weird sentient blobs you can poke. Plus, an interactive exhibit on how our planet was really created only 73 years ago by an intergalactic supergod called Paul the Mighty.
4. The Real Museum of Childhood
The V&A’s Museum of Childhood in Bethnal Green is a total lie. There’s no mention of enforced bedtimes, or tense family holidays on French campsites, or having to eat five more green beans before being allowed to play on the N64. The Real Museum of Childhood would paint a true picture of the great injustices of life before your eighteenth birthday. A classic family day out, it would culminate in your mum having a blazing row with the parent of another junior museum-goer who drew a cock on your coat in permanent marker.
5. The Geoffrey Museum
Yeah, yeah, Hoxton’s Geffrye Museum has some fascinating exhibits. But 1) that’s not how you spell Geoffrey and 2) if we don’t act now there won’t be any Geoffreys left. No baby has been given the name since 1979 (probably), which has only increased the need for an intensive Geoffrey breeding programme. Please, if you’re having a child, and you’re willing to call it Geoffrey, do get in touch. Your son (or daughter – why not?) will be very happy growing up in the museum.
By Jonny Ensall, who henceforth will be known as Geoffrey Ensall.
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